I have always held a clear boundary between my professional and my personal worlds, and it was easy until recently. There was some amount of anonymity to mail lists, newsgroups, online forums, and even social sites to a degree. There is comfort in separating my professional life and my personal life. Professionally, I am known as someone who is focused and analytical. Personally I am known as someone who plays a bunch of instruments and different styles of music, is enthusiastic about Italian cars, log cabins, and photography, and does not take things too seriously. I have got nothing on Sybil, but in some sense, I am two different people.

I have also been inclined to maintain a certain amount of anonymity on social media sites. I would create an account with a “handle”, borrowing the lingo from the world of CB radio. In some ways this was good. I could keep things separate. But it was also bad because the credibility I earned on one forum did not cross over to another forum where many of the names were familiar to me, but my handle was not familiar to them.

Facebook changed all of that, and only in the last several months. I joined Facebook at the behest of my cousin, who said “you will be really surprised who you will find on FB”. She was right. It became a place where old acquaintances became reacquainted, where my cousins could get together and share family photos, where my wife could tease me, where my music friends could talk about the great session and how much Guinness was consumed.

Then my co-workers started sending friend requests. And the guy I bought a mandolin from seven years ago. And women I dated briefly, and people I never met who randomly sent a request because somehow I ended up in their address book. I paused. Where does one stop? Do I “friend” the people I bought my house from? They are friends with a dozen of my friends. Do I “friend” the friend of my ex? And if I do, what does it say when or if I decide to “unfriend” them? I am not even sure that is possible.

I cannot say where this is going, or how far it will go. I know that for now, I am drawing a line. Linked-in is for business, including personal friends whom I have had business relationships with. Facebook is for my family and closest, dearest friends. I will even add the people whom I only know personally, who are close and dear to my wife, or my closest friends. So, if you’re reading this, we have a professional relationship, and you have sent a “friend request” on Facebook that I did not respond to, please accept my apology. I am still working out exactly where all of this social media fits in my life. I do have lines. For me it is not all about a personal brand. I want my brand, but I want my privacy.

This might be an aspect of my age. I grew up in a time when we practiced in grade school how to duck under our desks if Russia sent an atomic bomb hurling toward us. I was a teenager during the late Nixon years. Everyone I knew read 1984, Brave New World, and Fahrenheit 451. We learned that putting your trust in the hands of those in power was not necessarily a good idea. I contrast that view with Kevin Kelly’s suggestion that we, collectively, through the computer networks and the information we put on them, are organizing ourselves into a system that will ultimately surpass anything we have ever witnessed in all of humanity. We will be the computer.

So, do I draw my lines, or succumb to the collective? I might give you a different answer tomorrow, but for now, I am keeping the boundaries in place. It is just a little more comfortable that way, like knowing I can always duck my head under the desk if someone hurls an atomic bomb my way.

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There are ways that you can address this problem, but first you need to chill. Let your emotions wane so that you can address the issue with a clear head. Evaluate your position in the community. How long have you been a member? Are you a recent arrival, or have you been engaged in conversation for years? How about the other member? These distinctions matter and dictate the best course of action.

It’s never a good idea to take up the challenge. You will get sucked into a battle that you cannot win because it will polarize and alienate most members of the community regardless of who’s right. Don’t even acknowledge that a gauntlet has been thrown.

If you are a recent arrival, the best thing you can do is to let it go. You’re better off not responding at all than to engage the other party and risk an ugly scene. Some people tend to impose their hostility on communities where they feel they have nothing at stake. If you allow yourself to sucked into a flamewar with one of these individuals, you will lose credibility. The other member might have a reputation for being a hothead or a bigot but also a respected authority in good standing with the community. If you’re new, you wouldn’t know that. As the custodian of a brand, you have much more at risk than the other person. That’s why it’s best to let it go.

Assume you are a member in good standing with the community and the other member is new, that might also be a good time to sit back. Other senior members in the community will most likely come to your aid and interject themselves into the situation. You  might even appeal to one or two in private, asking them if they might intercede on your behalf. While this won’t work when you’ve newly joined a community, it’s a very effective way for established members to preserve the peace.

If you are both long time members of the community, then it’s likely that someone made a mistake. One of you said something and it came across much harsher than either of you intended. Your best action is a direct and graceful admittance that somehow you got off on the wrong foot and to offer an apology–regardless of whether you believe the other person was wrong or right. Again, you have more at risk, and a willingness to be diplomatic will improve your standing among the general community.

Conflict is a part of online conversation. At one time or another, it happens to everyone. But gentle humor, attention toward the community as a group, and diplomacy can guide you through any conflict without damage to your reputation or to your brand.

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